Archive for June 6th, 2010

Feet and Feminism

Well, yesterday’s idea of posting some pictures of my family can’t happen yet, because I only have about three pictures of my family on my computer. I’ll have to call up my mom and ask if she can scan some in for me, although she’ll likely rebel against being included in my blog (I don’t know why, she’s lovely).

So instead of that, today I am going to give you a couple close-up pictures of my body parts. Bear with me, I promise it will be at least somewhat interesting. Really.

These are my feet, with a box of gum for size comparison. Yes, they really are that big.

These are my lower legs. They get pretty wide up top, but they're also fairly long. Riding in small cars is hell for me.

Again, gum box for size comparison. I have large hands. This comes in handy when playing piano, not so much when looking at jewelry.

This is my left arm. Not really remarkable, just an arm.

I was trying to take a picture of myself reclining in the sun, but the combination of bright sunlight and a white shirt made it not work. So I added some simple effects and now it looks kinda cool.

This is me sitting in a chair and leaning back. That is a regular-sized chair, not a special chair for tiny people. I am just that big.

So, a few notes about today’s pictures. My feet are men’s size 13. This size does not exist in women’s shoes, but if it did it would be a size 15. My feet are also very wide. They look perfectly proportional in those photos (because they are, to my body), but it’s nearly impossible for me to get good shoes that fit right, especially not dress shoes.

I actually don’t remember my ring size, but it is quite large. I have a ring that used to be my father’s, and it fits my ring finger just about right (comfortably snug, you could say). I do play piano, badly. If I practice I can play passably, but I don’t practice often (I practice singing, of course, just not piano).

I wasn’t trying to look bored in the last photo, it just came out that way. XD The flyaway hair is unfortunately a common occurrence for me. You see, my hair is actually very fine, but there’s tons of it, so it’s thick and gets tangled easily (at some point I’ll take a picture of the back of my head pre-shower). Getting it pulled back without copious amounts of hair spray (which I don’t like using) is practically impossible. And there’s no way I can do anything fun like hair chopsticks or one of those big clips or anything. Trust me, I’ve tried. When I was in high school I was in a production of My Fair Lady where I was in the servant’s chorus, and had to have my hair in a bun. They had to use a hair net and about sixty bobby pins, and it was still almost falling out at the end of the scene. On the plus side, my hair holds curls like nobody’s business and is very easy to style (with hairspray and a dryer), for people who know about hair.

So enough about my hair/face/arms/legs, I have another subject to discuss today. I was talking with my mother on the phone earlier (we’re very close and talk three or more times a week), and started going on about self-confidence. Now, those who know me, know that when I’m with a group of people I know well, and we’re talking about a subject I’m invested in, I can be almost overbearing in demeanor. I get so excited that my voice rises in volume and pitch, and I sometimes forget that it’s a conversation and cut people off. On the flip side, if I’m with a group of people I don’t know, and/or the subject is something I don’t know much about, I’m quite timid. I let other people cut me off when I try to get a word in edgewise, and sometimes end up feeling ignored and resentful for being left out (like the one time I was in a restaurant with friends of a friend when they all started gossiping about World of Warcraft). I’ve gotten better about both behaviors, but sometimes still revert when I’m not careful.

However, obviously, I don’t have those problems when I’m online. I feel so much more free to express myself in the big wide world of the interwebs. I can tell anyone to fuck off and even if they do find out and get angry at me, it’s not like they can really hurt me. So I was talking with my mother about how some of the posts on this blog might come off as arrogant or self-absorbed (well it is a blog about posting pictures of myself every day), but I don’t give a crap. And then I realized, well, what the fuck am I afraid of in real life? What would someone do if I butted in to share my opinion? I mean, worst case they get pissed off at me. And if they’re someone I respect, then I’d feel sad. But if they’re someone I respect, they also might say “hey, you’re right, good point” and then it’s cool. So why not take the risk anyway? Because if they’re a dick about it, they don’t deserve my respect or friendship anyway.

This post is one of my favorite posts about what it’s like to be a female blogger in our current society. Women, as a whole, are marginalized. This is true, whether you identify as a feminist or not. Some women are marginalized more than others (especially women of color and poor women), but we’re all marginalized to a certain extent. And marginalized people have to fight that much harder to express ourselves. I’m fat and female. That’s a double dose of marginalization, and there are quite a few people out there who want me to just shut the fuck up. How dare I blog when I’m fat and female? How dare I poison the internet with pictures of myself every single day? I mean, if I were thin and took sexy pics that would be somewhat acceptable, but I really should get rid of all this useless text.

And I thanked my mother, at that point in the conversation. I thanked her for being herself, a woman who is comfortable talking to anyone, who is nice but still firm and sure of what she wants. For encouraging me to perform, because she knew it would help me grow in confidence (and goodness, it certainly worked). I told her I aspired to be more like her, someone who has so many good balancing traits, instead of the brash, loud, sometimes overbearing and annoying person I am. To which she said “well, honey, I am 50. I have a tiny bit more experience than you.”

The lesson here is that I am out here, blogging, showing myself to the world, because I want to be. And how cool is that?


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