Archive for July 24th, 2010


This is not a good day.

That tissue is there to catch tears, otherwise my chest starts to get cold.

Yes. Pictures of me weeping. Because it’s all I’ve managed to do for the past half hour. Because I feel worthless. Because I want to die. Because no one seems willing to give me the time of day, let alone try to help. Because I just want to stop feeling so awful.

I had a moment of wondering if the anti-nausea pills I have (which are supposed to make a person powerfully drowsy) would kill me if I took the whole bottle. I decided not to try it. I thought about who might discover my body, after I didn’t contact anyone for days or go to work on Monday. I thought about what people might say.

But I can’t do that. I don’t have the guts. Just another thing I fail at. I can’t keep my head above the water, but I can’t let myself drown either. So I’m stuck thrashing, swallowing water when I try to breathe. Sinking lower and getting more tired with each stroke.

I try and try and I still can’t do anything. Everything gets ahead of me. Everyone leaves me behind. I just want the pain to end. I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry. I try to be positive in this blog, I want this to be a good experience for everyone. But I can’t. I just can’t today. I’m sorry.

EDIT: I really, truly apologize for this entry. I understand that it was probably scary for many people who aren’t well-acquainted with the way my depression works. Trust me, if I’m talking about suicidal thoughts, it’s less likely I will actually attempt to harm myself (it’s when I keep oddly quiet about things that is worrying). I apologize to anyone who might have found this post triggering, and also to anyone who was seriously worried about me. I appreciate the emails and messages I’ve gotten. I will do my best not to let this happen again.


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