Archive for September 18th, 2010

I am nomming my bagel. XD

I look pretty great today, despite Panera's shitty lighting.

So despite a lot of drama in my life when I was younger about not feeling right in my body and wanting to be super girly but being too big, I’ve been moving toward really girly in my personal style the past few years. As I’ve mentioned before, wanting to be fashionable while fat is extremely difficult to begin with, and especially while fat and tall. While I actually did find a website a couple months back that carries cute shoes in my size (and they’re at the very top of my shopping list once I have money to spend again, whenever that is), I still struggle regularly with finding cute clothes. Add onto that that until recently I wasn’t even comfortable trying some forms of clothing (I’m look at you, short skirts) because I believed that there was no way I could look good in them, and you’ve got a lot of ifs, ands & buts to deal with when shopping. The fact is, I used to despise shopping. It was miserable and I hated it. I hated never finding things I really liked, always thinking I looked shitty in whatever I was trying on, and I hated that even if I found more than one thing that was okay, it cost a ridiculous amount because it was designer clothing (good luck finding anything in my size anywhere else, after all).

But I digress. The point is, as I’ve become more comfortable in my body, I’ve been more willing to take chance in my dress. And short skirts is probably the pinnacle of those chances for me right now. I have been uncomfortable in skirts for several years, starting in high school. In middle school I had more than one swishy, flowy skirt that I loved and wore all the time, but I became so incredibly uncomfortable with myself in high school that I stopped wearing them (and I probably outgrew them as well, but I never replaced them either). Into college I was uncomfortable enough with skirts that I would actually comment on it to other people if I was forced to wear one (which, eventually, I was, since I didn’t have money for more dress pants and the ones I had gave out from wear, remembering that I had to dress up a lot in college for performances).

The return of my love affair with skirts started with a skirt I no longer have (my mother gave it to a friend who sewed so she could make me another like it, then lost touch with said friend). It was found on the sales rack at Torrid, of all places, and was bright blue. I felt self-conscious wearing it, but there was also something about how beautifully it swished and how it was just a little loose on me that made me feel more daring. I was very sad when I realized it was lost.

The second skirt on the road to wearing skirts again is a brown skirt that I still have and love a whole lot. It was bought at a plus-sized boutique in New York City when I was visiting the city to meet voice teachers (before deciding to move to Cincinnati) and cost a ridiculous amount of money, but I didn’t care. It’s floor length on me (me! 6 foot tall me!) when I’m barefoot, and swishes like a dream. I love it and feel beautiful every time I wear it. Unfortunately right now it has a tear in it that I need to get my aunt to fix (she’s my go-to person for sewing fixes, I can’t sew), so I can’t wear it, but I still have it, and that makes me happy.

It wasn’t until this year that I really felt confident enough to even look at a short skirt to buy. I’d tried a few on before, but always rejected them as not looking good (when I really meant “I don’t look good in this or anything else”). However, very early this year, when I was shopping for some business attire, I found a really adorable blue skirt. It has pleats, and the fabric has a hand-painted look, and I thought it was adorable. When I tried it on, part of me whispered that it was much too short, there was no way I could look good in it, and what was I thinking even trying it on, but I shoved that voice down and bought it. And I am wearing that skirt right now. ;D The black skirt from yesterday was a purchase a few months back when I went to get some dress pants (almost all of mine are worn out) and found it on the sales rack for $20. How could I possibly let that go by?

The thing is, I’m still not that comfortable wearing short skirts. Skirts in general tend to be several inches shorter in back than front because my butt is so big (I’m not exaggerating, I have a really huge ass, even for my size), so I often feel like I need to pull the back down so I’m not flashing people (I don’t think I ever have, but like I said, self-conscious). I am also not that great at sitting in skirts. I like to sit with my legs open, in part because pressing my thighs together is harder (since they’re so big) than letting them be a safe distance apart. XD And while sitting at a desk I am not worried about flashing anybody, in Panera last night I was fidgeting every ten seconds because I wasn’t comfortable how I was trying to sit (today I opted for a booth, as it’s quite empty in here and I can’t flash anyone if I’m facing an empty seat). Mostly it’s lack of practice. Yesterday was the first time I’d ever worn the black skirt out in public (I remember taking pics of myself in it when I bought it, but I didn’t really wear it out back then) and today is only the second time I’ve worn the blue skirt out in public (the first time being in March, and I was more focused then on not freezing my stupid legs off than the skirt). Obviously, I just need practice. And this is definitely prime practicing time, because Fall is perfect short skirt weather for a fat girl (summer is horrid because if you get sweaty then you get the thighs rubbing together and augh it’s horrible and a rash is often involved). I am strongly considering the possibility of knitting myself some thigh high stockings as well, so I can even wear them into Winter, but I haven’t made up my mind yet on that (mostly lack of funds, I’d need quite a bit of sock yarn for thigh highs for myself).

After I first discovered the band Cake, one of my favorite songs of theirs was always “Short Skirt, Long Jacket”. Something about the kind of girl they described sounded exciting and I wanted to be that kind of girl. I was convinced, however, that there was no way I ever could be. How could someone as hideous as me ever wear a short skirt? No one would ever be interested in me as a girlfriend, right? ;D These days, the only real obstacle to that idea for me is that I don’t know if I’ll ever find a jacket that will be long enough for me. XD I mean, even if the current fashion wasn’t for the uber-short jackets (which, btw, I’m not really a fan of anyway), the idea that any company would have a jacket that was both plus-sized AND long enough to hit anywhere below my knees is kind of laughable. I won’t give up my search, though! Worst case, when I’m rich I can always get one made for me. Then I just have to work on having eyes that shine like justice (whatever the hell that means). ;D


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