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Archive for October, 2010

Fear

I am very tired.

Last night was pretty terrifying when it was happening. People who don’t have asthma or haven’t experienced any kind of event like drowning probably don’t quite understand how horrible it can be to not be able to breathe. What’s worse is that often, when you start feeling like you can’t breathe, you begin to panic, which makes it even harder to breathe. By the time I actually got to the emergency room last night, I was hyperventilating so hard I could hardly walk, and I couldn’t talk.

I can’t quite explain what the fear feels like in that situation. It isn’t so much that I’m afraid of dying, although perhaps it would have happened eventually if it hadn’t gotten under control. More likely I would have ended up passing out, and either choking or having my body begin recovering. There wasn’t really any room for thinking about possible death, because every time I gasped for air I was simply fighting to breathe, not thinking about anything else but continuing to get oxygen into my lungs, feeling like there was some huge stopper inside of them that made it almost impossible to do so.

Once the respiratory therapist got in and told me they were getting me the nebulizer and albuterol, I knew it was going to be okay. That was something familiar, something I’d dealt with several times as a child, when my asthma had been much worse, being woken up in the middle of the night because my parents could hear me coughing and gasping for breath in my sleep, being given a treatment at 3 AM to keep me from having to go to the emergency room for the exact same treatment. Lying back down in a semi-conscious daze, finally more able to breathe, and slipping back into unconsciousness, silent for a little while as the drugs did their work.

By the time the albuterol was gone, I was calm again. This was old hat to me, and I was glad I’d brought my Kindle with me (thanks again for the birthday present, dad!) to pass the time after I had been treated, until they saw fit to release me. They did a chest X-ray, to be safe, which I’m sure will cost me later, but I didn’t begrudge them that.

I’m still a little bit anxious. I’ve had some more shortness of breath today (mostly going up stairs, which I believe is in part because someone in the building has been smoking inside and it’s making things much worse for me), although I’ve managed to keep myself from going into real distress (much to Casey’s relief, she spent a good deal of today with me also, just in case). I have antibiotics from the ER doctor in case it’s an Upper Respiratory Infection, so in theory I should be fine.

But there’s a little girl inside me who’s scared. She knows what it’s like to not be able to breathe, and she is very afraid of it happening again. And for her sake, I’m staying as calm as possible. Because the alternative is a lot scarier.

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Breath

Happy Birthday Cookie!

A picture taken before all the excitement started.

So I was gonna post a bit before midnight (I did get sidetracked from doing it earlier today) but instead, I had a fun visit to the emergency room.

I’m okay now, it was an asthma attack that was exacerbated by a panic attack (well, you try not to panic when you can’t breathe) and after they gave me a nebulizer treatment I started getting better. I’m just glad my friend Casey was visiting this weekend to help me get my car back, she graciously drove me there and she’s very level-headed so all was pretty much well.

So yes. So far, my birthday weekend has been AWESOME. At least I won’t forget it anytime soon.

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October 29th, 2010

Here is today, my friends.

Yep, that's a kitty behind me. That's one of his favorite places to be.

So all two of you reading this blog who aren’t my friend on Facebook/Twitter/in real life may possibly be surprised to know, but today is my birthday. My twenty-fifth birthday, to be exact. I am now a quarter of a century old, which sounds a whole lot more impressive than “holy fuck I’m twenty-five when the hell did THAT happen?!”

Yep, it’s true, I am now firmly ensconced in the middle of what is almost unanimously considered one of the worst decades of a person’s life, where while you may be physically at your peak, you’re generally not financially solvent, have no clue where you’re going with your life and may or may not have any meaningful relationships outside your family. XD But it isn’t all bad, really. In fact, I’m pretty happy with my life, all things considered (I mean, a steady job would be awesome, and I wouldn’t mind having a significant other, but my life isn’t pathetic without those things).

I have a kitty, and I’m fairly stable, and I have friends and family who care about me. And I have a wicked Kindle that I have been reading books on most of the afternoon (I got sick at work and was given a ride home, have spent most of the day since in bed). And my mom is coming to visit me next weekend and bringing me a new bed (new to me, it’s from a friend of hers who got married and is consolidating two households) that is not a mattress on the floor. So yeah, my life is pretty awesome, all things considered.

Happy birthday, Chelsea. You’re twenty-five years old today, and so far, twenty-five is looking to be a pretty great year.

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On The Eve

Another day.

Another wide-eyed, offset fish face.

Tomorrow is a pretty big day for me, guys. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime, milestone kind of day. A day I await with eagerness, and if I didn’t need to get up at 6:30 tomorrow to go back to work, I would stay up until midnight to mark the arrival of that day. As it is, I am anticipating it with glee. X3 See you tomorrow!

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Shoes Redux

So today, because I signed the little slip of paper they left on my building’s door last night, FedEx left me a gift box full of SHOES (from Barefoot Tess, of course). And you all know what that means. ;D Shoe pictures!!!

My kitty thought he would help me take the pictures. That's partly why I'm posting so late. XD

Number One! Fleece-lined cloth Mary Jane-style flats. They're so comfortable I could probably sleep in them.

This is one of the pairs I considered for my first order, but decided to wait on. And oh man, I wish I’d ordered a second pair. They are SO comfortable. I ordered these and the grey ones a size big so I could wear them with socks, but now I don’t want to wear them with socks! XD

Number Two! You may think you've seen them before, but the pair I ordered the first time were denim, and these are leather. Soft, buttery leather. Mmmmm...

So I may or may not have mentioned it when I got the black denim ones, but right after I ordered them, the site updated with a new color in that style. They were plaid, and I went “WANT” as soon as I saw them. At first I was sad, because they only went up to 14, except lo and behold, this brand (Blowfish) is actually quite big on me (the Barefoot Tess brand, by contrast, is small on me), so 14 is the right size. When the sale came and I decided to order some more, I naturally ordered the plaid ones right away! Sadly, they had sold out earlier in the day and hadn’t had a chance to update their quantities, and so I was emailed the following day and informed of this. They asked me if I wanted to substitute another pair or get a refund, and I opted to get the black leather shoes. I am still a little sad about the plaid, but these are also awesome, so it’s a nice consolation prize (and they were very nice about the whole thing).

Number Three! Same as the red ones, but one size smaller. Fit perfectly, and adorable to boot.

There’s one reason and one reason only that I didn’t return the red ones and get a smaller size. Namely, they were sold out. And I was so thrilled to have red shoes that I didn’t want to let them go. So now they have heel pads in them (which gives my foot enough grip that I can walk in them okay), and I ordered these babies a size smaller. If they ever restock the red ones (not likely, I don’t think), I may buy a size smaller and sell mine on eBay or something, but until then, I have them both.

Number Four! As comfortable as they look. Definitely not work shoes, more like "lounging around at home" or "going to the store" shoes, very comfy and cute.

These are the other pair I bought in 15 so that I could wear them with socks, and I foresee a lot of wearing them with socks this winter. They’re comfy as well, but not as comfy as the fleece-lined ones. I’d love these in a darker color (not necessarily black, but anything that’s not baby blue or pink), but c’est la vie.

The fleece-lined ones also come in khaki, so that may be next on my list (sooooo comfortable). Unfortunately, winter apparently means boots (at least in Barefoot Tess World), so I won’t be able to buy cute shoes again until next spring. Boots and I have a bad history, and while I’m willing to gamble $50 that a pair of shoes will fit me, I’m not so willing to gamble three times that, plus shipping (which I’d have to pay to send them back). Ah, well. Maybe someday I can actually go to their store in person and try some boots on (only if I’m already in the area, of course). Until then, my flats will do me just fine.

Oh, and lest I forget, I had another small package awaiting me when I arrived home today. My best friend, who is currently studying in England (because she is awesomely smart and talented), bought me a couple things off my Amazon.com wishlist, due to a certain event coming up this Friday. She bought me The Gift of Fear, which is a great book about how you should trust your intuition when it comes to keeping yourself safe from violence (of all kinds), and Dark Hope, which is an amazing CD of popular (rock/indie/whatever) music, sung by my favorite opera singer, Renee Fleming. Oh guys, I’ve already listened to it, and it is truly amazing. And no, she doesn’t sound like an opera singer attempting to sing cool stuff, she sounds amazing. I highly recommend it to everyone. And I adore them both and I thanked her profusely on instant messenger. ❤

And that is all I have to say tonight. Good night!

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Sock!

Guys guys guess what I made?

It's a toe! Of a sock!

Yeah, it doesn’t look much like anything but a weird shaped thing, but I promise, it really is a sock toe. I am knitting my very first pair of socks, my friends, and I am SO excited about it. I have let the size of my feet (women’s 15, if anyone forgot) intimidate me from sock knitting FOR TOO LONG. Now, I am finally knitting my first pair of socks. And they will be GLORIOUS.

ETA: I ordered a couple more pairs of shoes from Barefoot Tess last week, two of the pairs are definitely sock shoes (the ones I ordered last time are flats that can be worn sans socks, if so desired), and I am so excited that I am gonna have an awesome pair of socks in a couple weeks to wear with them!

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Upset.

I am hot, and tired, and upset.

Also, the little dwarves that run the computer inside my skull have decided that today is the day to practice their clogging skills.

I am not really at liberty to discuss why I’m so upset. Suffice it to say that I’ve lost faith in a certain person who used to be an important part of my life, but today they said something that hurt me more than anything they’ve done to hurt me before. So, apologies, but I am really not in any emotional place to write a blog post tonight. I will attempt to provide a real one soon.

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